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fig: In North America, a Chinese restaurant is a place which serves food which is purportedly similar to fare served in China. Often these places are established by people of Chinese ancestry, who may only speak English as a second language. This frequently results in poorly-written menus with humorous, bewildering, or even disturbing text.

Various claims made by Chinese restaurants in their menus and Yellow Pages advertising:

  • Best Chinese Food In The Town!
  • !!! SUPER SPECIAL !!! - Shrimp Fried Rice And Egg Roll - Only $3.50
  • We Delivery Min $10
  • Open 7 days a Week Take Out and Dine In
  • Fast Deliver And Fair Prices Guarantee!!!

An astute reader will note the common trend of exclamation points. This is a simple yet effective way to identify a good Chinese restaurant in an unfamiliar town: gather as many take-out menus as possible, and order from the restaurant with the most exclamation points.

Fuck the ginger water, I'd rather have a Pesi. Fuck the ginger water, I'd rather have a Pesi.

Chinese food is rarely easy to describe to those not yet familiar with it, and the vague Engrish descriptions aren't much help. The Happy Family is a fairly common Chinese dish, which few have been bold enough to try based on the name alone. The description doesn't offer much encouragement either: Shrimp, scallop, beef, chicken, mixed vegetable in Chef's special sauce. Additionally, typos such as "Human Shrimp" and "Kung Poo" are common.

Some other items include:

  • Sizzling Scallop and Shrimp: Fresh scallops and jumbo shrimp with mixed vegetables in white wine sauce. Served in a hot sizzling plate.

    Mongolian Beef: Beef, prepared in Mongolian Style.

    Chow Mein (White Rice or Fried Rice): Vegetable, Pork, Chicken, Beef, Shrimp, House Special Shrimp Chicken Pork''

    Moo Shu Pork: With 4 Pancakes.

    Seafood Deluxe in Bird Newt

The opening verse of Warren Zevon's Werewolves of London mentions a Chinese restaurant. This is the earliest known example of a Chinese restaurant in music.

  • <html><em></html>I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his handWalkin' through the streets of Soho in the rainHe was looking for the place called Lee Ho Fook'sGonna get a big dish of beef chow mein<html></em></html>

Trivia

  • Most Chinese restaurants are within walking distance of either a pet store or a veterinary clinic. (In the same vein, most Kentucky Fried Chicken franchises are near either an auto parts store or oil change place. Think about it.)
  • Contrary to popular belief, they do not eat cats, and suggesting that they do is enormously insensitive to their culture. However, rat and dog are acceptable types of meat.

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