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Beer is an ominous, natural resource and a world heritage, praised to all around the world except Myanmar. While it is allegedly outlawed in Indonesia, many Indos are known to drink it.

After the creation of the universe, beer was created by God to protect the world.

Origins of beer

After God created all the animals and sex toys she needed for further explorations,
she was furious about all the hate and violence humanity suddenly brought up.
By giving them the ability to brew beer she also gave them the glorious condition of being drunk all the time.
Now after the humans discovered the holy spirit of beer, they live in harmony and liver damage for the rest of their lives.

Brewing process

There is a buttload of different options. Many peoples learned an own unique way to brew beer.
Some of these antique techniques obtained for hundreds of years and are still practised by different countries today.
In the following sections our team of highly trained baboons will explain to you the practices of the most successful beer brewing nations.

(note from the author, feel free to add other countries)

Japan's finest.


Japan has one of the oldest beer brewing techniques of the world.
By summoning the great drunk chicken once a year and killing it, the brewers obtain enough blood from the chicken to brew for another year straight.
The blood of the chicken contains a natural flow of alcohol to use as an ingredient.
After the blood is stored in a big round tank the brewers connect the heart of the chicken to it.
By beating the heart repeatedly with mittens it begins to beat again without any outer influence.
Now it is time to add the other ingredients into the tank, witch will circulate trough the artificially constructed circulatory system.
Common ingredients are:

  • Concentrated rice, as a substitute for malt.
  • Bellsprouts or Oddishes as a substitute for hops.
  • Yellow and red rubies
  • The brewer

The mixture now flows trough the tank and the heart, under the tank is a fire witch heats up the machine.
After 6-9 hours the mixture is aggressively brewed and can be served after it cooled down.
A typical example of Japanese beer is Kirin Beer

3 different sorts of Störtebecker… very nice cover huh?
A regular water bottle as a comparison
An original representation of Columbus before and after seeing the Angolian banananananatree


Germany is the iconic beer brewing nation.
with over 9000 different brands of beer brewing companies, Germany holds the world record for most beer beered into a beering beerbeer.

It also holds the record for highest alcohol percentage in the rivers by spilling out to much beer during the Oktoberfest

and also because of the beer rain thingy you will read next.

The brewing ceremony functions as follows:

the brewers practice a serious beer cult in witch they pray to old germanic Gods.

the master brewer lays the glorious hops and malt, witch were produced with a special secret technique, on an altar and sets a big waffle on fire.

once the waffle burns the cult members preach to the Gods and sing deeply voiced.

Then clouds arise over the brewery and it starts raining beer.

The brewery is a building with a big funnel on the top, in order that the glorious beer shall be collected by the funnel and flow into the big beer tank.

Sometimes during a ritual, an epic storm arises with lightning and thunder that goes "BRTUCHTZZZSSRRSTQZZZ".

When this happens the beer has a really high alcohol percentage and in historic cases the citizens of entire cities where drunk for weeks.

A typical example of German beer is Störtebecker


American beer normally contains 4 main ingredients.

American beer is banned in countries like Soviet Russia and Sudan, as the citizens probably couldn't handle the freedom.
The Ingredients get mixed together by being eaten and urinated out by a bison. After the mixture is free it sinks into the grasslands and further into the groundwater.
Then the groundwater gets pumped out and filtered.
Because of the high hygiene standards all the unhealthy bits are filtered out from the urine and the result is freshly filtered pure water.
The brewery now fills in the bottles with a high tech migrant worker and sells them. The prices depend on the actual oil price.

A typical example of American beer is Miller Genuine Draft


Another quite special way of beer production comes from Venezuela.
After the Power Rangers rebuilt the country, the Indians who lived there had many trees all over their fields.
In fact there were so many trees everywhere, myths tell, there is even a forest hiding somewhere behind these trees.
Due to the fact of fieldlessness Venezuela experienced, they found a new revolutionary way of brewing beer.
The idea was so revolutionary, imperialists went completely nuts.
Naa boy let me tell you, that fucker Columbus couldn't handle this shit dude…
But what is it what they did?
By injecting beer into the roots of the angolian banananananatree he mutated into a Tree with beer bottles as fruits, hanging from the branches.
That way the Indians could harvest the bottles directly without any brewing procedure needed.
As time went on, there where different sorts of beertrees evolving, bringing new beer brands as a result.
Any attempts, cultivating the tree in other countries failed due to the lack of the right nutritive substances in the soil.
A typical example of Venezuelan beer is Empresas Polar

Jerk trying Einstök while wearing a viking helmet.


Back in 1993 when Garðarr Svavarsson discovered Iceland, he discovered a new beer brewing method by accident.

When Garðarr made further explorations on the island he climbed the big volcano Herðubreið.
As he reached the top, his lunch fell into the volcano.
The enormous heat caused the butter and bread to react and with a big blast a beer like mass flew into the air.
Garðarr saw a potential in this hazard and experimented with other ingredients like potatoes, meat, fruits and different sorts of wheat.
By adding water he reached the optimal liquidity and after a while he had different recipes for godly beer.
this tradition was passed from generation to generation until today where glorious Icelandic beer is still brewed with thermal power.
A typical Icelandic beer is Einstök

the great grand Пиво үйлдвэрлэгч.


Mongolia has also found a unique way to produce finest nomadic beer.
To brew Mongolian beer one has to plant Рай on a big цөлийн and water it with Цайны.
Then he has to wait 20 өдөр, during this period he can visit the гангаар хийсэн том хөшөө and үнсэлт it.
After he буцаж явах the Рай can be хураан and холимог with Сарлагийн сүү.
Then the холимог is filled into a том шавар and Түүний дотор гал шатаж.
its kind of дурсан the Японы журам. In the end we have a delicious нарийн шар айраг coming out of the том.
Mongolian Beer also known as "Монгол шар айраг" is most алдартай for its тааламжтай цуст taste.
It is худалдсан at the Уншиж байна "Drinks of the Дэлхийн" in Базелийн.
A typical Монгол шар айраг is


The most important tradition in the old Canadian beer brewing technique is it, to start every sentence with "The".

The Canadian beer only uses two main ingredients from the famous national symbols; the moose and the maple tree.
The maple syrup is extracted from the tree by using magical mittens.
The moose produces milk and fills it directly into bags.
The syrup and the milk are mixed together in a big wooden brewing barrel.
The fresh mixture now ferments for six weeks.
The beer is ready to drink.
The well known Moosehead beer is a typical Canadian beer.

See also